Why Setting Boundaries Isn’t Just for You (Yes, Even You, the People Pleaser)
Let’s start with a truth that might make your stomach flip a little: you are allowed to disappoint people. Not intentionally, of course. You’re not a monster. But if you’re a people pleaser—and let’s be real, if you clicked on this post, there’s a good chance that you are—disappointing others probably feels like the emotional equivalent of walking barefoot across a Lego-strewn living room. Painful. Avoidable. And deeply personal.
But here’s the thing I share with my clients all the time, especially the women I work with who are navigating trauma recovery and professional overwhelm: setting boundaries is not selfish. In fact, it’s one of the most relationally generous things you can do.
Yes, generous.
Let me explain.
People Pleasing Is a Coping Mechanism—Not a Personality Trait
If you’ve survived trauma (big or small-T), you may have learned early on that keeping people happy was the safest path forward. Maybe staying attuned to everyone else’s moods kept the peace. Maybe it kept you emotionally safe—or even physically safe. Over time, it probably became second nature. You anticipate needs, overdeliver, apologize too much, and work harder than everyone else just to prove you’re enough.
People admire you for it. They call you reliable. Kind. The “rock” of the team or family.
And while those traits are beautiful, when they’re built on a foundation of boundarylessness, they eventually become unsustainable—and sometimes even harmful.
Because here’s the catch: if your sense of safety or worth is dependent on making sure everyone else is happy, where do you go?
Boundary Setting as a Form of Healing
As a therapist, I often talk about boundary setting as an essential trauma recovery tool. Boundaries aren’t walls to keep people out; they’re fences with gates—gates that you control. They let the right things in and keep the wrong things out. They are how you let people know the best way to love, respect, and work with you.
When you start setting boundaries, especially as someone who’s always put others first, it can feel wrong. You might hear that old, familiar voice in your head whispering:
“They’ll be upset.”
“What if they think I’m selfish?”
“Am I being too much?”
“Will they stop relying on me?”
Here’s the short answer: maybe.
Here’s the longer, kinder answer: maybe, but also, your boundary might be the very thing that helps them grow, too.
Boundaries Help Everyone—Not Just You
Imagine you’ve always been the one who stays late at work to clean up the team’s mess. You never say no. You take on the extra shift, the last-minute deadline, the “just one more thing” from your boss. Your coworker drops the ball, and you pick it up with a smile—even when you’re seething inside.
But what happens if you start saying no? If you kindly, clearly state: “I can’t stay late tonight, but I’m happy to help you plan ahead for tomorrow”?
Initially, it might throw people off. (Because systems don’t like change, and relationships are systems.) But over time? Your colleague learns to manage their own responsibilities better. Your boss starts hiring more support. And—gasp—people begin to realize you’re not a bottomless resource, but a human being with needs and limits.
In this way, boundaries don’t just help you survive; they help others develop. They allow people to take more responsibility for their actions, emotions, and time. They encourage clearer communication, more honest relationships, and fewer simmering resentments.
The Reframe: Boundaries as an Act of Love
This is the mental shift I work on with clients most often: seeing boundaries not as barriers, but as invitations to deeper connection.
When you say, “I won’t be available to talk after 9pm, but I’d love to catch up tomorrow,” you’re teaching someone that your rest matters and that you value the relationship enough to set a time that works for you both.
When you say, “I’m not able to take on this extra project, but I can help find someone who can,” you’re showing that you care about the work—but you’re no longer willing to sacrifice your well-being for it.
These are loving, clear, grown-up choices. And yes, sometimes they come with discomfort. But discomfort isn’t the enemy. Discomfort is often the signal that growth is happening.
If You’re Still Hesitant, Let’s Try This
Next time you’re about to say yes when you mean no, try this quick check-in:
Do I actually want to do this?
Do I have the energy for this?
Am I saying yes out of guilt, fear, or obligation?
What would I be sacrificing by saying yes?
If you find yourself saying yes only to avoid the discomfort of someone else’s reaction—pause. Breathe. You might be on the verge of a growth moment.
And hey—if your inner critic pipes up with, “You’re being mean,” remind it gently that honoring your limits is one of the kindest things you can do.
For yourself. And for them.
Final Thought: You’re Allowed to Be a Work in Progress
Boundary setting isn’t a one-and-done kind of deal. It’s a skill, and like all skills, it takes practice. You’ll mess it up sometimes. That’s okay. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s alignment. It’s a life where your energy, values, and choices start moving in the same direction.
And if you ever need a cheerleader who also happens to be a licensed therapist? I’m here. Holding the line with you.
(And yes, I still have to set boundaries with my inner people pleaser, too. She’s persistent. And very polite.)
